San Francisco Parents of Multiples SFPOM General Discussion 6/17/2014 9:16 am - 6/18/2014
1. Comment: Please tell me it gets better for real (CarinSF)
2. Comment: Please tell me it gets better for real (jessicafsf)
3. Comment: Please tell me it gets better for real (jessicafsf)
4. Comment: Please tell me it gets better for real (debspr)
5. Re: [sfpom_general] Please tell me it gets better... (bravermang)
6. Comment: Please tell me it gets better for real (nataliasha2004)
7. Comment: Please tell me it gets better for real (hpearl)
8. Comment: Please tell me it gets better for real (zarate)
9. Comment: ISO Mentor: Have Toddler + Jobs and Twins... (lmcdowell)
Topic: Please tell me it gets better for real
I have young toddlers. My husband and I are exhausted and no
longer have a couple's...
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1. CarinSF says...
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6/17/2014 6:59 am
I was just telling my husband yesterday that I think we
are finally starting to hit our stride as parents and
our kids turned 3 in May. It has been SO HARD, but
things are really starting to look up for us. The kids
are finally remembering all the rules & safety policies
that I have killed myself trying to instill in them,
and I no longer feel like each outing is risking life
and limb. They are starting to get how important it is
to treat each other kindly, and they are sort of
learning how to use manners and wait for gratification.
I remember the surprise I felt as each developmental
stage seemed to be EVEN HARDER than the one before...
how is that possible when things have been so
challenging for so long?!? But I finally think things
are getting easier! They play together for looong
stretches of time now, and I can clean the house or
cook a whole meal without WWIII erupting. They don't
require my undivided attention 100% of the time. They
seem to love each other, and are starting to act like
good little people (sometimes). And you can reason
with them now-- I used a sticker chart for wake-ups and
it worked amazingly well. My kids stopped popping out
of the crib in 1 day! So, hang in there! Every day is a
small victory, and things are getting better little by
little!
Email author: carinchou@gmail.com
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2. jessicafsf says...
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6/17/2014 9:53 am
OMG, it does get better. I'm so sorry you're in a bad
place right now. I have definitely had some very rough
times with my twins. But I feel like between 2 and 3
it's been steadily getting better (with two steps
forward and one step back, of course.)We really, really
struggled with sleep issues, too. We hired a sleep
consultant around 6 months, something I would have
laughed at before we had the kids. It really helped.
Before then, I was so unhappy - I didn't like my life,
my kids, anything. I don't think I realized how much
the lack of sleep was affecting me emotionally. Since
those early, very difficult months the sleep has gotten
better, but we're just never going to have solid, easy
sleepers. But working with the consultant helped us
gain some tips and approaches, and I've done lots of
reading as they go through difference stages. Also, our
experience during those early months helped me realize
how important sleep is to my happiness. Somehow it just
helps to have an idea where some of the general misery
is coming from, and to know that once I get some sleep,
the world - and my family - will seem like a better
place. I guess I'm kind of saying that it gives me
hope, or something to look forward to, when things seem
awful. I know that it can - and will - get better soon.
We definitely go through phases where they sleep well,
and then phases where it seems like they're never, ever
going to sleep through the night again. But they do get
back there! Also, the older they get the less critical
the sleep routines, nap schedules, etc. became for us.
Up until about 6 months ago, if they didn't take a
reasonable nap there was no way they would sleep
through the night. Now they're a little more flexible.
I also feel like my husband and I lost some of our
identity as a couple. But what's helped is to try to
stop focusing on how great it is to get away with just
the two of us, and start trying to come up with things
we can do all together (with the kids) where we can
also enjoy ourselves and connect. Day trips, weekends
away (although that's only been something we started
considering within the last couple of months), big
parks where the kids can roam and we can sit, picnics
(sometimes the food helps keep the kids close so
there's less chasing!) dinners out, and dinners with
friends. We definitely don't see our pre-baby friends
as much as we used to, but if you can seek out some
other parents with kids roughly the same age, you might
find that socializing with them - WITH the kids - goes
a long ways towards making you feel like a normal adult
with adult friends. And then the kids make friends, and
start playing together, and suddenly going to a
friend's house for a quick, early BBQ is the most
relaxing way you can think of to spend an evening.(But
definitely still try to plan a date night if you can
swing it! No matter how hard your kids are right now,
any sitter or friend or grandparent can manage them for
a few hours. It's just a few hours!)As Carin said
above, the kids are slowly becoming little humans.
Between 2 and 3 they have gotten much better at
listening, at participating in a conversation, at
helping around the house (I now feel like I can
actually get a few things done when I'm alone with the
kids, since they either enjoy helping, or can play
relatively peacefully together). On a regular basis
I'll peek into the living room and they will be sitting
next to each other on the couch, each reading a book,
which is amazing to me. It wasn't long ago that I
couldn't run to the bathroom without coming back to
screaming and fighting. (They still do that! Just less
often.)Lastly, I just want to say that you should NOT
be embarrassed about not "cutting it." There are times
when this is SO HARD, and the worst thing we do for
each other is to all put on a brave face and pretend
like things are awesome. That leaves us each alone with
our feelings of failure and sadness, amplifying what is
already a lonely time. I hope you have friends to whom
you can say "this has been an awful week. My kids are
little monsters, and I'm barely staying afloat."
Friends who can give you a hug, or a margarita, or just
tell you that they totally get it. If you don't, seek
some out! Go to the Moms Night Out this week, go to the
Parents Nights Out, and the family outings, and put
yourself out there, just a little bit. I think you
might be surprised at how many people are in the same
boat, feeling the same way, looking for a sympathetic
ear and people who can socialize within our new
"normal." I think/hope you would find a lot of people
like that in this club. Having two infants, and then
two toddlers, is really, really hard. No one else can
really understand as well as others who are living it.
I hope things get better for you quickly. I hope that
KNOWING they'll get better will make the current hard
times a little less hard. And I hope you'll feel free
to reach out to others in this forum - including me!
send me a message any time! - when you need to. You're
doing great. Really. Sometimes just surviving is the
most we can hope for, and that is just fine. And your
kids are great, too. (Or at least they have greatness
within! You will be better able to appreciate that
greatness with every passing month, and with every
night of sleep!) For now, just hold on, and try to find
joy in their moments of adorableness, even if they seem
few and far between. =)
Email author: jessica@burrows.net
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3. jessicafsf says...
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6/17/2014 9:58 am
Um, and I'm sorry that I just wrote a novel, which you
almost certainly don't have time to read right now. =)
Email author: jessica@burrows.net
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4. debspr says...
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6/17/2014 11:46 am
You are not alone. We had triplets when I was 40 (and
we also had a 20 month old - oh my! I call them the
Irish quads). My husband and I didn't have relatives
in the area and it was taxing beyond belief. What
saved our sanity is to get help. We couldn't afford a
nanny so we got a live-in au pair (half the price) .
This allowed us to have date nights and a life beyond
our chaotic home. I honestly don't know how we would
have survived without our au pairs. They were a
godsend. It does get better when the kids went to
school - but sounds like you have a few years until
that happens. I remember celebrating when our triplets
went to kindergarten as the other singleton moms were
crying in the parking lot. Multiples without help is
not easy.Deb
Email author: debschwarz@mac.com
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5. bravermang says...
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6/17/2014 1:11 pm
Dear Anonymous,So much to say on this subject and I
will try and bullet point it. I am a single dad with
b/g twins that are now just over 5 and a half years
old. I was one month shy of 49 when they were born.
1) Schedule time for you and your husband without the
kids. 2) If you can get them into a preschool, do it!
I did cooperative preschools for 2 years, as I was not
working full-time... and it was a great option. You
can email me if you want to hear more about those
schools.3) There are developmental cycles and you don't
need to reinvent the wheel and figure them out. Speak
to someone who can give you tasks to complete to work
through each cycle as it comes. I hired their
preschool teacher as a consultant (after they were no
longer at that school) and 60 minutes with her gave me
specific "to-do" list. Make sure you go into that
meeting with specifics; not just to vent. Specific
behaviors have their matching interventions.I will give
you one quick glimpse into what I was dealing with, so
that you will see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I have 2 incredibly easy first years with the kids. At
age 3.5 to 4 my son became angry, aggressive, and
quick-tempered. I felt like I had a devil child. My
consultant told me that when he was at his worst, I
should hold him, hug him and tell him I loved him. It
took about a week of this; relentless hugging/clutching
him and repeating the same simple mantras. By the 4th
day I was so tired but felt so much better about being
in a place of expressing love instead of frustration.
He turned around completely. He must of unconsciously
been going through a period of fear or separation AND
desire of independence at the same time and perhaps
those two opposing emotions were tearing at him. I can
give you several other examples of simple interventions
that made huge differences. Stupid things like
providing them their own accessible plastics cups and
water pitcher so they could do that for themselves.
Same for cereal. They suddenly felt liberated. Other
interventions included puppets, dolls, mirrors, and
also taking photos of the kids experiencing different
emotions and placing them on the fridge... so that we
could talk about what their faces looked like when they
hit emotional walls (the picture serving as a mirror).
Okay, I'll stop short of telling you about Magic
Wednesdays, Thursday Spells, and Freaky Fridays... our
morning adventures to start the day off with fun.Best
of luck.GedaliaDad to Armstrong and EllaOn Tuesday,
June 17, 2014 11:48 AM, Deb Schwarz wrote:Deb Schwarz
commented:You are not alone. We had triplets when I
was 40 (and we also had a 20 month old - oh my! I call
them the Irish quads). My husband and I didn't have
relatives in the area and it was taxing beyond belief.
What saved our sanity is to get help. We couldn't
afford a nanny so we got a live-in au pair (half the
price) . This allowed us to have date nights and a
life beyond our chaotic home. I honestly don't know
how we would have survived without our au pairs. They
were a godsend. It does get better when the kids went
to school - but sounds like you have a few years until
that happens. I remember celebrating when our triplets
went to kindergarten as the other singleton moms were
crying in the parking lot. Multiples without help is
not easy.DebAdd your comments online :
http://www.bigtent.com/group/forum/message/86115196?md=MTIzODA0NTI=&md=NjA3Nzg0MjI=
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6. nataliasha2004 says...
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6/17/2014 1:12 pm
Hang in there - it definitely DOES get better!! When
you least expect it, sometimes... (other times not.)
You are not crazy, and you are most definitely not
alone!! Your profile sounds so much like us, it's
amazing. We literally had probably 1 "date night" a
year, and it's nuts how quickly things get out of whack
and out of balance., and you're bickering with the
person you most need around...Some suggestions:
definitely go to the Club-sponsored Toddler Support
Group meetings, and the various Nights Out (like the
Moms' Night Out this Thursday the 19th.) There's
something very reassuring about hearing OTHER people's
stories, and knowing you're not the only one going thru
stuff like this. We're all jumping around on the same
spectrum.If it's impossible to pay for help (been
there!!) see if you can find another family willing to
swap childcare on occasion... (cause sometimes 4
doesn't seem that much worse than 2, especially when
you know someone will be repaying the favor!!) We're
happy to talk about that, personally, if you're game!!
Sometimes something as simple as even just an hour out
for a drink, or a lunch with your partner can go a LONG
way towards recentering yourself (or yourselves, as a
couple.) It's SO easy to lose sight of the important
stuff when you feel like you're just clawing your way
up a waterfall of stuff coming at you, with no
break.We're just working on scheduling an Expert
Speaker Session (free POM lecture) with this terrific
psychologist who is himself a parent of multiples,
about maintaining a healthy couples relationship while
parenting multiples, so watch the forum for news about
that.Just remember: This, too, shall pass!! Really.
For us, there was a noticeable lightening about when
our girls turned 4. (2 was ok, 3 was hard for us...
and the term "threenagers" made a lot of sense.) Sure,
there's always SOMEthing to figure out, but it has been
getting easier... and for sure the stage where they
REALLY got into imaginative play with each other has
been FANTASTIC. I talk to parents of singletons the
same age, and their kids are suddenly driving them
crazy with needing attention and a playmate all the
time... so this might be when multiples start to
really pay off. AND -- in general, in theory, anyway
-- as your kids age, you'll start discovering certain
other advantages, like their social skills, or sharing
abilities are likely better than their singleton peers,
since they've been doing it since day one.Then there
are some helpful books, and parenting techniques, and
even behavioral consultants our there that might have
the very things you need... the gals at SymbioSF are
amazing, for one example.Anyway - I'm glad you reached
out. It can be TOTALLY absolutely OVERWHELMING at
times. But you'll make it, and don't hesitate to set
up play dates with other POM families, even if you
haven't met in person before... it's part of why we're
all here, to support one another. We're all growing
and learning as parents, right along with our kiddos
who are growing and learning as little people - so
don't dare be hard on yourself. Parenting is crazy
HARD at times! BUT - the investment WILL pay off...
(Like the first time you leave your little monsters
with someone new, and they report back on what angels
they were, how well-behaved, polite, etc. and you're
figuring they've gotten them mixed up with someone else
entirely... but they haven't.) Kids are just doing
their job when they test their parents (cause they know
((or at least HOPE!)) we can't leave them... ) and if
you were completely calm and well-rested and eating
bonbons on the sofa all afternoon, you'd REALLY be
doing it wrong!!Hang in there!! Sending you virtual
hugs, or chocolate martinis, or kleenex, or whatever
would be helpful at this moment....
Email author: nataliasha2004@yahoo.com
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7. hpearl says...
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6/17/2014 8:15 pm
what is the saying? "it's not going to be easy but
it'll be worth it." I think of that a LOT. I totally
hear ya sister. Another favorite quote of mine (not
just re: twin toddlers) is from the amazing Rosanne
Rosanna Dana, which you may be familiar with as a
fellow 40-something: "It's always something. And if
it's not one thing, it's another!"My husband and I are
both professionals in psychology so we like to think
we're fairly savvy when it comes to parenting books
(for the most part, we avoid them like the plague, but
that's just us. not to say theyre all bad. nor that
we know what we're doing when it comes to parenting).
However recently he read a newish book *about*
parenting that he really appreciated & which I also
want to read (someday). It's called "All Joy and No
Fun." I swear to the Great Pumpkin I have nothing to
do with the author or the publishing company. You may
find resonance with the title alone, as I do. If
anything, it might make you feel less alone, not unlike
all of the lovely people who commented above. Oh one
other thing - the comments mentioned here about sleep
are absolutely true, not just from personal experience.
There is a boatload of research about how sleep (or
lack thereof) affects mood, coping ability, cognition,
the works. Disclaimer: I will mention the following
*NOT* to freak you out but just because it's
fascinating & we cannot underestimate the role of sleep
in our health: If a person goes long enough without
any sleep (maybe 3-5 days), s/he becomes psychotic.
Hearing & seeing things they firmly believe they are
sensing but are not real. And also paranoid... the
"the government has implanted a monitoring chip in my
tooth" paranoid. If a person somehow remains sleep
deprived, s/he will die. Again, not AT ALL trying to
freak you out, just to emphasize how essential sleep is
to our health. (I'm fairly sure there is significant
physical damage that occurs with prolonged lack of
sleep too, but I can't remember what I've read.) Sleep
deprivation can reduce even the strongest person to a
shaking, incoherent puddle of anxiety & rage. There's
a good chance that your sleep deprivation is impacting
your ability to cope with this, & even maybe why you
feel embarrassed to admit how awful you feel. So
maybe get a copy of "All Joy..." and take a nap under
your desk at work, or if you're at home, take a brief 5
minute snooze on the toilet, whatever you have to do.
You will feel better!
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8. zarate says...
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6/17/2014 10:23 pm
Well, let me de-anonymize myself--can't quite schedule
playdates at "Anonymous' House", right?Thank you all
for the replies. Really. Thank you. My general feelings
are that I was caught with my pants down, about just
how challenging this adventure would be. And the sleep
issue is a major one. I did not freak out by the
psychotic comment. I'm in a parallel field, and our
research shows impairment after the first night of bad
sleep. There might be a ticket for "driving while
parent of young multiples" in some state for all I
know.Gedalia, I will totally email you. And for tonight
you get the "Fountain of Knowledge" title.My husband
read "All Joy.." and felt completely vindicated in his
negative feelings about parenting. It was a glorious
moment for him, to find out he was not alone on a
number of impressions.As for me, I'm currently in the
puddle of anxiety stage after 2 months of high stress
and terrible sleep. It does help to know things will
feel better.Thank you,Alessandra
Email author: alessandra.zarate.sanderlin@gmail.com
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Topic: ISO Mentor: Have Toddler + Jobs and Twins Coming this
Fall
Greetings!
My husband and I would love to find another couple to mentor
us and share some expe...
Send comment to: <sfpom_general@lists.bigtent.com>
With subject line: "Ref#86056049 - ISO Mentor: Have Toddler + Jobs and Twins Coming this Fall"
9. lmcdowell says...
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6/17/2014 9:51 am
Hi Natalie, sorry, I haven't found anyone else with
younger twins who can help mentor. I will keep asking
around and let you know.
Email author: lauren.mcdowell@ymail.com
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