[House] San Francisco Parents of Multiples SFPOM General Discussion forum digest - 6/18/2014

Wed Jun 18 02:17:20 PDT 2014

San Francisco Parents of Multiples SFPOM General Discussion 6/17/2014
9:16 am - 6/18/2014

1. Comment: Please tell me it gets better for real (CarinSF)
2. Comment: Please tell me it gets better for real (jessicafsf)
3. Comment: Please tell me it gets better for real (jessicafsf)
4. Comment: Please tell me it gets better for real (debspr)
5. Re: [sfpom_general] Please tell me it gets better... (bravermang)
6. Comment: Please tell me it gets better for real (nataliasha2004)
7. Comment: Please tell me it gets better for real (hpearl)
8. Comment: Please tell me it gets better for real (zarate)
9. Comment: ISO Mentor: Have Toddler + Jobs and Twins... (lmcdowell)
Topic: Please tell me it gets better for real

 I have young toddlers. My husband and I are exhausted and no
 longer have a couple's...

Send comment to: 
With subject line: "Ref#86103302 - Please tell me it gets better for
real"

 1. CarinSF says...
 --------------------------------------------------------
 6/17/2014 6:59 am

 I was just telling my husband yesterday that I think we
 are finally starting to hit our stride as parents and
 our kids turned 3 in May. It has been SO HARD, but
 things are really starting to look up for us. The kids
 are finally remembering all the rules not just to vent. Specific
 behaviors have their matching interventions.I will give
 you one quick glimpse into what I was dealing with, so
 that you will see the light at the end of the tunnel. 
 I have 2 incredibly easy first years with the kids. At
 age 3.5 to 4 my son became angry, aggressive, and
 quick-tempered. I felt like I had a devil child. My
 consultant told me that when he was at his worst, I
 should hold him, hug him and tell him I loved him. It
 took about a week of this; relentless hugging/clutching
 him and repeating the same simple mantras. By the 4th
 day I was so tired but felt so much better about being
 in a place of expressing love instead of frustration. 
 He turned around completely. He must of unconsciously
 been going through a period of fear or separation AND
 desire of independence at the same time and perhaps
 those two opposing emotions were tearing at him. I can
 give you several other examples of simple interventions
 that made huge differences. Stupid things like
 providing them their own accessible plastics cups and
 water pitcher so they could do that for themselves. 
 Same for cereal. They suddenly felt liberated. Other
 interventions included puppets, dolls, mirrors, and
 also taking photos of the kids experiencing different
 emotions and placing them on the fridge... so that we
 could talk about what their faces looked like when they
 hit emotional walls (the picture serving as a mirror). 
 Okay, I'll stop short of telling you about Magic
 Wednesdays, Thursday Spells, and Freaky Fridays... our
 morning adventures to start the day off with fun.Best
 of luck.GedaliaDad to Armstrong and EllaOn Tuesday,
 June 17, 2014 11:48 AM, Deb Schwarz wrote:Deb Schwarz
 commented:You are not alone. We had triplets when I
 was 40 (and we also had a 20 month old - oh my! I call
 them the Irish quads). My husband and I didn't have
 relatives in the area and it was taxing beyond belief. 
 What saved our sanity is to get help. We couldn't
 afford a nanny so we got a live-in au pair (half the
 price) . This allowed us to have date nights and a
 life beyond our chaotic home. I honestly don't know
 how we would have survived without our au pairs. They
 were a godsend. It does get better when the kids went
 to school - but sounds like you have a few years until
 that happens. I remember celebrating when our triplets
 went to kindergarten as the other singleton moms were
 crying in the parking lot. Multiples without help is
 not easy.DebAdd your comments online :

 http://www.bigtent.com/group/forum/message/86115196?md=MTIzODA0NTI=&md=NjA3Nzg0MjI=
 --------------------------------------------------------

 6. nataliasha2004 says...
 --------------------------------------------------------
 6/17/2014 1:12 pm

 Hang in there - it definitely DOES get better!! When
 you least expect it, sometimes... (other times not.) 
 You are not crazy, and you are most definitely not
 alone!! Your profile sounds so much like us, it's
 amazing. We literally had probably 1 "date night" a
 year, and it's nuts how quickly things get out of whack
 and out of balance., and you're bickering with the
 person you most need around...Some suggestions: 
 definitely go to the Club-sponsored Toddler Support
 Group meetings, and the various Nights Out (like the
 Moms' Night Out this Thursday the 19th.) There's
 something very reassuring about hearing OTHER people's
 stories, and knowing you're not the only one going thru
 stuff like this. We're all jumping around on the same
 spectrum.If it's impossible to pay for help (been
 there!!) see if you can find another family willing to
 swap childcare on occasion... (cause sometimes 4
 doesn't seem that much worse than 2, especially when
 you know someone will be repaying the favor!!) We're
 happy to talk about that, personally, if you're game!! 
 Sometimes something as simple as even just an hour out
 for a drink, or a lunch with your partner can go a LONG
 way towards recentering yourself (or yourselves, as a
 couple.) It's SO easy to lose sight of the important
 stuff when you feel like you're just clawing your way
 up a waterfall of stuff coming at you, with no
 break.We're just working on scheduling an Expert
 Speaker Session (free POM lecture) with this terrific
 psychologist who is himself a parent of multiples,
 about maintaining a healthy couples relationship while
 parenting multiples, so watch the forum for news about
 that.Just remember: This, too, shall pass!! Really. 
 For us, there was a noticeable lightening about when
 our girls turned 4. (2 was ok, 3 was hard for us... 
 and the term "threenagers" made a lot of sense.) Sure,
 there's always SOMEthing to figure out, but it has been
 getting easier... and for sure the stage where they
 REALLY got into imaginative play with each other has
 been FANTASTIC. I talk to parents of singletons the
 same age, and their kids are suddenly driving them
 crazy with needing attention and a playmate all the
 time... so this might be when multiples start to
 really pay off. AND -- in general, in theory, anyway
 -- as your kids age, you'll start discovering certain
 other advantages, like their social skills, or sharing
 abilities are likely better than their singleton peers,
 since they've been doing it since day one.Then there
 are some helpful books, and parenting techniques, and
 even behavioral consultants our there that might have
 the very things you need... the gals at SymbioSF are
 amazing, for one example.Anyway - I'm glad you reached
 out. It can be TOTALLY absolutely OVERWHELMING at
 times. But you'll make it, and don't hesitate to set
 up play dates with other POM families, even if you
 haven't met in person before... it's part of why we're
 all here, to support one another. We're all growing
 and learning as parents, right along with our kiddos
 who are growing and learning as little people - so
 don't dare be hard on yourself. Parenting is crazy
 HARD at times! BUT - the investment WILL pay off... 
 (Like the first time you leave your little monsters
 with someone new, and they report back on what angels
 they were, how well-behaved, polite, etc. and you're
 figuring they've gotten them mixed up with someone else
 entirely... but they haven't.) Kids are just doing
 their job when they test their parents (cause they know
 ((or at least HOPE!)) we can't leave them... ) and if
 you were completely calm and well-rested and eating
 bonbons on the sofa all afternoon, you'd REALLY be
 doing it wrong!!Hang in there!! Sending you virtual
 hugs, or chocolate martinis, or kleenex, or whatever
 would be helpful at this moment....
 Email author: nataliasha2004 at yahoo.com
 --------------------------------------------------------

 7. hpearl says...
 --------------------------------------------------------
 6/17/2014 8:15 pm

 what is the saying? "it's not going to be easy but
 it'll be worth it." I think of that a LOT. I totally
 hear ya sister. Another favorite quote of mine (not
 just re: twin toddlers) is from the amazing Rosanne
 Rosanna Dana, which you may be familiar with as a
 fellow 40-something: "It's always something. And if
 it's not one thing, it's another!"My husband and I are
 both professionals in psychology so we like to think
 we're fairly savvy when it comes to parenting books
 (for the most part, we avoid them like the plague, but
 that's just us. not to say theyre all bad. nor that
 we know what we're doing when it comes to parenting). 
 However recently he read a newish book *about*
 parenting that he really appreciated & which I also
 want to read (someday). It's called "All Joy and No
 Fun." I swear to the Great Pumpkin I have nothing to
 do with the author or the publishing company. You may
 find resonance with the title alone, as I do. If
 anything, it might make you feel less alone, not unlike
 all of the lovely people who commented above. Oh one
 other thing - the comments mentioned here about sleep
 are absolutely true, not just from personal experience.
 There is a boatload of research about how sleep (or
 lack thereof) affects mood, coping ability, cognition,
 the works. Disclaimer: I will mention the following
 *NOT* to freak you out but just because it's
 fascinating & we cannot underestimate the role of sleep
 in our health: If a person goes long enough without
 any sleep (maybe 3-5 days), s/he becomes psychotic. 
 Hearing & seeing things they firmly believe they are
 sensing but are not real. And also paranoid... the
 "the government has implanted a monitoring chip in my
 tooth" paranoid. If a person somehow remains sleep
 deprived, s/he will die. Again, not AT ALL trying to
 freak you out, just to emphasize how essential sleep is
 to our health. (I'm fairly sure there is significant
 physical damage that occurs with prolonged lack of
 sleep too, but I can't remember what I've read.) Sleep
 deprivation can reduce even the strongest person to a
 shaking, incoherent puddle of anxiety & rage. There's
 a good chance that your sleep deprivation is impacting
 your ability to cope with this,
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